night with my precious son

today went down to fetch my son over to my house to stay overnight, seeing him make my heart melt. everything went fine today and now he already slping soundly in his dreams. so cute, haha... although i am not living well now but just by seeing him all my sorrows went away. without him, i will be nothing. he's my everything right now and forever, there is nothing for me to miss of except him if i leave the world. i cant bear to give him a broken family but the environment don allow me, some words which are say out cannot be taken back. take care.

24 days to separation

just reached home, today went down to see the lawyer and have come out of a date to sign the separation paper. on the 20 jan. today meet ah boy and went down together, after that catch up with him. visited my son and he is not feeling well, will be bringing him back tomorrow to stay until saturday. looking forward to tomorrow. i am asking myself why am i so determined in my decision this time, and finally i got the answer because i don wanna to hear her telling me again that being together with me and she have to worry about her three meals. i am not those lazy bum who stay at home and rot, i am always finding work opportunity whenever i can. i am serving the NS now, i also hope i can contribute to the family but this two years is everybody got to go thru. now i am alone fending for myself for the rest of one year and two month, i really dunno how am i going to survive?? i am telling myself i wun get defeated so easily. honestly, i have not been slping well for the past two weeks and i am not trying to act pitiful by writing here, i am a emotional person and this sort of things got to happen is something that i cannot prevent. who dun feel sad. i am only sorry to my son, he is innocent. i wll stop here, keep on writing only make me more vexed up.

i am getting paranoid, why am i behaving like that. something wrong with me??

i just realize that i have been thinking too much and too imaginative. why am i behaving like that?? i really need one expert to help me on this, i cant be like this forever. i will go crazy one day, please can anyone help me?? after sitting down and thought through, am i really the one who let this relationship down? i hope i will be cured someday and my next girlfriend will not suffer with me because of my this suspicious condition. something must have happen before that i am behaving this way. anyway, tomorrow i will be meeting the lawyer and i am not sure whether we are signing the document tomorrow? i really hope if she saw this blog, she can tell me how is my behaviour all this years? all i know no matter what happen, this is the end. the both of us will not go and salvage this marriage anymore, i personally think this is the better way out but i dunno for her. hope to see the rainbow after the rain.

everything is over...

26122006, going to see doctor soon.. having chest pain since yesterday.. tomorrow i will go and see the lawyer for the matter on the DEED OF SEPARATION. i hope everything will pass soon and i really wanna forget everything. i don want to being trap by this love relationship again under any circumstances.

what is LOVE?

喜歡是心動，愛情是偏執




也許愛情是一部憂傷的童話，惟其遙遠與真實，惟其不可觸摸與欠缺，方可成就起璀璨與神聖。放棄一個很愛你的人，並不痛苦，
放棄一個你很愛的人，那才痛苦，
愛上一個不愛你的人，那是更痛苦。
若是有緣，時間、空間都不是距離。
若是無緣，終是相聚也無法會意。
凡事不必太在意，更不需去強求，就讓一切隨緣吧。
逃避，不一定躲得過。
面對，不一定最難過。
孤獨，不一定不快樂。得到，不一定能長久。
失去，不一定不再擁有。
可能因為某個理由而傷心難過，但，你卻能找個理由讓自己快樂。
戀愛無非是要快樂，兩個人不能快樂，不如一個人快樂，兩個人痛苦，不如成全一個人快樂。
愛，是一種感受，即使痛苦也會覺得幸福。
愛，是一種體會，即使心碎也會覺得甜蜜。
愛，是一種經歷，即使破碎也會覺得美。

what kind of person am i facing all this years??

i have just deleted all my previous blog, think nothing much to talk about. just reach home, this three days have been enjoyable for me. went out to drink on saturday and until drunk and had a hard day on sunday. keep vomitting like nobody business. finally that night i don need to take anything to sleep. sleep peacefully. saw my son today at bugis, hug him and suddenly felt like crying because i just miss him too much. hearing him calling me papa today, the feeling is good and warmth. i hope god bless him with good health. today before i went out to meet my friend i went to friendster web and saw her profile and saw that particular person which she had tattooed his name on her body. i thought they have already break contact but i was wrong. dunno whether is it because of what, that day she suddenly msg me the D thing. i really hope got nothing to do with him if not i am really the loser. anyway, being together i have been the loser not for the 1st time. can anyone teach me what to do? i know i am suspicious but you did so much things to me in the past that there still this shadow. not easy to overcome that shadow, you wun understand. taking out the load is easy but letting it down really takes alot of courage. i know this time round i will be able to let go and seek the happiness that i really need. everything will be fine after the rain.