i dun understand myself

will be going out to meet my fuxing later on for dinner.. i felt that i getting more and more to the wrong side.. when will i change for the better? i really dun understand myself.. this two days was quite fun, went msia on saturday to relax myself with campmates and later at night went to kbox at marina square.. get to know a gal at there, haha.. dunno why after the failed marriage, i have no confidence in relationship.. i dun like the feelings of being tied up because of a relationship after the divorced, i like to go out and play whatever i like and dun need to worry of later how am i going to account to who who. will i ever get happiness in a relationship in the future? i have so many question marks in my life, i dunno when will i be able to solve the problems... sometimes how i wish i can just migrate to another country and start my life anew. lastly, i am really sorry to my son, i have not seen him since then they brought him back.. although i can see him but i really dun wish to go up because of ..... maybe one day, you will not acknowledge me as your father but in my heart you will always be there, pardon daddy for doing this. i love you, javier..