learning to walk out of my darkest moment

baby javier is sick

2007-08-16T02:33:00.000+08:00

came home around 2.05, i think. today, i took child sick leave to visit javier and he really don't look well. pray hard that he will get better soon. after visiting him then i went to fetch girl from her school with ah long at aljunied. yesterday was the first time that i went down to fetch her, after fetching her then we went to have our dian xin near gelyang lor ?? send her back but parted at jurong east mrt interchange(she wanted me to save money, dun everytime waste money on unnecessary things). chat with her at 2 plus til 4 plus, she must be damn tired because she have not been sleeping well for the past few days. ke lian de girl, haha.. we have talked alot of things on how should we do to work this relatinship out.(think too far le). if we can still contnue like this way after the so-called honeymoon period then i think everything will be fine. i don't want to have anymore failed relationship, if i failed again then i think i will stay single forever, can fool around and nobody will get hurt. be a bachelor also not bad, haha.. don't talk about this le, today i send her back to her house and take 187 from boon lay inetrchange, last bus some more. long journey from boon lay to woodlands. went to have supper at WD 892C with ah long before coming home. came home and slack until now.. dunno why cannot get to sleep, what am i thinking of??? everytime have so many problem but i still wanna keep on creating problem to make myself headache, aiyo.. siao leh, me. dunno what i am thinking about also. shall go and clean up myself and go to sleep. night everyone..

what happen to my relationship?

2007-08-11T05:35:00.000+08:00

cannot get to sleep until now.. not happy with girl today, i also dunno why? maybe the feeling i s very uncomfortable. let me first update what i have been doing nowadays. monday nothing much happen, go back to camp as usual, slack and slack.

070807
camp got battlion life run but i never go. so go back to camp and wait for my friends to come back from the run before we go to nonek house and paint. OC SIR want us to help him out with his house as something happen to his family(not convenient to talk here). i felt pitiful for him. after reaching his house, each person have our own task and we jus keep on painting until 5 plus when SIR called it a day as everyone was shag out. actually having our cohesion tomorrow but everyone feel that we should finished up with the painting at nonek house so we decided to have cohesion at his house.

080807
after morning CO parade, we went to nonek house again. we do our painting unitl 6 before we ordered food and drinks. have fast food and beer to go along. stay there unitl 8plus i thnk before i go back. had nearly 4 bottles of beer. later in the night, meet ong, long and yong to k-ster. was smsing with girl as she is having ktv session with her friends at orchard. suddenly she stop replying me and i call her and she say its not very nice of her to keep on sms and talking on the phone while she is with her friends. then i say ok loh, after her session with her friends then i asked her over but she keep talking about money matters to me which make me very pek chek then i ask her to go home. but in the we talked on the phone then she came over. sang unitl 4 and go suppper before heading home. came back home but only slept for 2 hours unitl 8 am. dunno why cannot get to sleep, haiz.. but still lie on the bed, doze off sometimes b4 finally we wake up at 1 plus. meet ah girl for lunch but was late for 1 hour. luckily she never give me a scolding. sorry ah girl.

09082007
happy 42 birthday singapore.

went sakae to have our lunch. meet wanfen and baby at her house there. girl, me, ah girl, wanfen and baby went down to PS. we had our dinner there at swenson, but i never eat jus had ice-cream. went up to the game arcade, they was playing with the doll catcher game so i decided to give it a try, and i was so lucky that i caught the doll at the 1st attempt(i think baby give me luck),haha.. baby was so happy and he keep on saying daddy got it le, so cute.. can speak so many word already. after everything, i send wanfen and baby back. girl and me went down to people park to deposit money to my friend. planning to save money so wanted to take a train home but when i reach outram park, packed with ppl and most of them indian. cannot tolerate a kind of smell from them so i ask girl to take a cab. send her back and i went home.. chat wiith her until 1am b4 i retire to my sleep.

100807
sleep unitl 1 before i get awaken up by ah long cal. lazily drag myself out from the bed, online msn and chat with girl. she suddenly asked to go have lunch with her then i straight call ah long to go down with me, girl was shocked, haha..we went to have our malay chicken rice, the food there is delicious. (girl intro one). after lunch girl went back to store while me and long wander around in orchard. girl meet me during dinner after she ate with her friends. as i was telling her i will be going down to boat quay then she asked me you want me to wear the ipod shirt(her uniform)down to boat quay huh? she jokingly say, you buy one shirt for me loh. but i take it seriously, i went straight down to left foot and bought a shirt for her.( dare me again loh). i left for my dinner at marina south with long, and Q Q. waited an hour for AKK to arrive, so pek chek. by the time already 9plus, girl have knock off and she came down to look for me. we have our dinner till 11. planning to go boat quay but everything was cancelled due to "aeroplane fly so high", sianz lah. so me girl and long went down to ARENA to attend johnny but the place dun suit me so decided to go boat quay. reaching there, every pub was full so walk here walk there until we found a place that is very relax to haev a drink. the story of me become more pek chek start here.

girl keep on smsing her friends and her friend s called her. she told me msg with me no manner but with me then she keep on doing other things. how can i dun feel uncomfortable??? maybe her friends is better and important.. i send her back after we finished our drink, not very happy with her then nv talk much. i go back home straight. girl, what i want to tell you is, give me some respect when we are together. i really dun feel like i am in your heart. we only get together for a short time and all is good times. if one day, you got to survive bad times with me, are you willing? if one day, i become very broke and very sianz to you then what will you do? not many girls can take hardship and i dun wan you to sufffer also. this world is realistic, you got money then you got the say.. i dunno what will become of our relationship BUT I SINCERELY HOPE THAT IT WILL WORK OUT. one thing i am puzzled, why do i have to go down to the chalet then you can come to my house? you said you are worry to be alone, but i ask you taking cab back to my house will take how long only? half and hour the most? if you think not worth it to pay the cab then i pay for you loh. you think for yourself lah, i cant always give you good times, my way of spending you shld know, that is why i tell you i must start to save up le.. please tell me what you want in this relationship..

a shag out me..

2007-08-06T02:10:00.000+08:00

jus came back from jalan kayu. went to eat there after we left the new loyang tua pek kong. first time there, the building structure was awesome. everything was nicely done up. went with fuxing, zhaocheng, jolynn and ah long. update for this few days.
030807
got a off day from camp, stay at home the whole day.. do cleaning for the house.. dilly dally the whole day and end up doing nothing most of the times. by the time i finished, it was already in the morning. haha.. chat with girl till 3 if i am not mistaken. girl told me that she have to go to SP on saturday and have to wake up at 6.15 so i decided to give her morning call so i stay awake until the timing. after i called her then still cannot get to sleep so i watch tv until 7.10 b4 giving her a call to chat till she reach SP. abt 8, i went into my dreamland.. ZzzzZZzzzz....
040807
wake up at 12plus, dunno why cannot get to sleep? haiz.. went for my lunch b4 i start my housechores again. unexpectedly, girl knock off at 5 which is very early compare to her normal knock off time. she came to look for me as sunday was her off day. i was still half-way doing my things and the house was in a mess when girl reach my place. i meet her downstairs as i was on the way back from the market. went out to buy her things which she needed when she stay overnight at my house. after she came, i had my late lunch which she have bought( i asked her to buy).. after she take her bath then she went to have a nap while i carry on with my things. later in the night, we went to watch movie(secret by jay chou) at yishun. overall, the show is nice plus some part very funny. the someone who make this funny was huang qiu shen( acting jay chou father). will recommend people to watch. after movie, we came back to have our drink( corona plus lemon) before we finally retire to bed at 4 plus. but cannot get to sleep till 8 in the morning, wow..
050807
get awaken by sgt terence call at aroudnd 1pm, ask me to buy 4-D for him. when i turn ard, girl eyes was staring at me and that give me a shock.(girl, ren xia ren, xia si ren, haha...). couldn't get to sleep after that. so lazily drag myself out from the bed to wash up. had MAC for lunch. watch SCV until 6 before we went out to meet ah long to west mall to change my sim-card. actually was sending girl back to her home but she having dinner with her parents at bukit-batok. after she went off for her dinner, i and ah long went to west mall for a walk, haha.. (stupid right?) ate dinner at one of the coffeeshop in BB before coming back to woodlans to buy something. on the way to buy things, we saw chinese ritual and i am curious about it so i stay and watch. it was a bloody scene, the people there (use sword, iron ball ad etc..) hit themselves and the blood just ooze out from the back. see le also worry for the people there... after everything, meety fuxing le..
As for now, going to sleep le, have not been sleeping well for the past 2 days.. have been chatting with girl quite often, simply got too much to say.. haha.. honeymoon period is like that.. how i wish the feeling will never go away. talk so much for one time, tired le.. night.. *yawnzzz

the lazy me

2007-08-02T22:25:00.000+08:00

going out to have my dinner soon.. yesterday after book out from camp, i went to meet wen with ah long at jurong kbox. sing and drink unitl 3am. send wen back after that went to take my bike which i park below her block. on the way back, there was road block and the first thing that came to mind was that i have been drinking. luckily, nothing happen. cold sweat man. went supper at chong pang nasi lemak. by the time i finish my supper, it was already 4 so i was thinking why dun go back to camp if not tml sure cannot wake up if i sleep at home. .haha, i am a lazy person. went back to camp and slept till 11 b4 i dread myself to wake up as alot of officers came to our office to do the TTX. if i was caught sleeping during office hour, sure die one.. went to look for my campmates and talk cock until lunch time. after that, do some cleaning and slack until 9 plus in the camp b4 booking out. all for today..

i wll treasure this relationship..

2007-08-01T05:54:00.000+08:00

today 1st of August, gone into another relationship. at first i have no confidence in myself because of one failed marriage but she told me to look on the bright side of life. since she know that i got a baby and can accept me, why dun give me and her a chance to start a relationship, girl, i know that you are very timid but i want you to speak up your mind. dun bottle everything up in yourself. i will be there to share your happiness, sorrow and everything. have trust in me. as long as there is mutual trust and love between us, i know this relationship will work. never again you will hear me say on those things that you dun wan to hear. i want to get to know you better. but what i dun wish is that the yi sa na decision of you. never sleep at all, going back to camp now. shag out, haha..

what am i thinking of?

2007-07-31T02:34:00.000+08:00

i told her what have i been thinking of. i regret but what done cannot be undone. why can't i just be contented with her as a friend? she make a good friend but i feel that i wll hurt her if we will be together.. i don wan to hurt someone that i want to love. she is a good girl and i really cant bear to do anything to her. i hope you can understand me if you read this blog. i know i being selfish but .... it enough that i have get to know you. it have been a long time since i fall in love again, the feeling is great but no fate, haha.. wen, you take care. i miss you..

slping soon

2007-07-27T01:17:00.000+08:00

i had a long and bored day today, campmates went for exercise but i did not participate.. thought they going out for exercise so during lunch time i went up to my bunk to have a nap but by the time i wake up, it was already 4plus in the afternoon. sgt terence called me and said that OC and OPS WO was angry with me for missing in action but i just simply bo chap but luckily nothing bad happen to me. saty at he office for the whole evening until 10 plus then i get to book out. send ah long home b4 going back home. watch the scv until now, going to sleep after i take my bath. i am so tired, OoOOooo, yawning already..

long time nv chat for so long le

2007-07-26T05:48:00.000+08:00

jus finish chatting with wen, we chat for 260min.. long time nv chat for so long le.. have a good chat with her, talked about alot of things.. she shared alot of things, haha.. today went out with ah bee and his supplier really giving me problem.. stuck in the middle, dunno what to tell my friends, haiz.. went to play billiard and play fruit machine after that. after dinner, went back to camp for awhile b4 heading back home. awhile more going back to camp le, will be damn shag today.. long day ahead.

a down guy

2007-07-24T12:45:00.000+08:00

going out to have my lunch, ytd night dunno why i behave out of normal, became very pek chek and bao zhao.. i think i must have gone bonker, wanna cool down for a few days.. i wanna say sorry to someone as i dunno whether did i flare up at her??? too many things was on my mind last night, suddenly my mood just swing and i became like a mad fellow. never go to camp today, i just wanna relax myself and cool down. i hate myself, why do i tend to fall in love easily? i must learn to control myself, i dun want to hurt anyone and to be hurt by others. friend are forever.. i want the woman that i will ever love again to be happy with me in the fture, i dun want her to suffer with me. ok lah, dun talk abt this type of matter le, so childish of me, haha.. time i stop before i faint from hunger..

1st meeting with her

2007-07-23T22:27:00.000+08:00

saturday went out with ah ong, ah long, sgt donald, jialiang and wen. 1st outing with her, kinda shy when i see her, always like that man.. haha.. went out to watch harry potter, i find it very boring, not much of action and nearly fall asleep when watching.. after the show went over to MT Faber park and thought of getting a drink there to relax but it closed at 3 and we reach around 2.15 so decided to switch place. went to maxwell b4 heading to amber 21.. had a drink there and stay till 5 plus before we went home. was raining since we reach the pub and b4 we left also heavy rain. i hate rainy days.. end of saturday.. slept till 1 plus in the afternoon b4 going down to pearl's cantre to get memory card for my friend. went visit ah heng and chit chat with him. overheard his conversation with wanfen, there this thing that she said that make me feel more disgust toward her.. heng ask:"never cal zhiguang meh?" she reply:" for what? she already got a new girl." dunno anything then talk freely, when the 1st 2 months when we break up, i fall into depression for two month, does she know? been on medication for two mths until i finally wake up my fucking idea not to fall deep into it anymore. anyway, everything is finally over, but the main problem is that have to wait until end of 2009 before can finalize our divorce.. wow, that is long.. why got this stupid law that have to seperate for 3yrs before getting divorce, shag man. after leaving heng home then went to meet wen for dinner at jurong point, had fish & co, still the same taste, which is yummy.. later on went to pass memory card to my friend at woodlands before sending wen back.. she is a WEIRD gal, damn cute and funny.. like to mumble to herself and suddenly laugh out for no reason. funny girl.. anyway, she is a guai guai type girl.. keep it out. haha.. friend forever!!! later went back camp and something bad happen which give me and my friend headache but luckily everything is settled.. the legend of TOKYO DRIFT.. haiz.. very unlucky for the past one month, dunno what we did??? stay in camp the whole night, wake up 7.10am in the morning, can say never slp at all, because the whole night i was chasing the mosquito away, hate the flying thing.. DAMN IT.. last day of supply assistant course, took my test and pass.. so happy.. after the test just relax before i finally went back at 4plus.. went to meet ah long and had diner with him before coming home and slack till now.. one shot update for three days, wow so much to say.. can say good night le..

i dun understand myself

2007-07-16T22:02:00.000+08:00

will be going out to meet my fuxing later on for dinner.. i felt that i getting more and more to the wrong side.. when will i change for the better? i really dun understand myself.. this two days was quite fun, went msia on saturday to relax myself with campmates and later at night went to kbox at marina square.. get to know a gal at there, haha.. dunno why after the failed marriage, i have no confidence in relationship.. i dun like the feelings of being tied up because of a relationship after the divorced, i like to go out and play whatever i like and dun need to worry of later how am i going to account to who who. will i ever get happiness in a relationship in the future? i have so many question marks in my life, i dunno when will i be able to solve the problems... sometimes how i wish i can just migrate to another country and start my life anew. lastly, i am really sorry to my son, i have not seen him since then they brought him back.. although i can see him but i really dun wish to go up because of ..... maybe one day, you will not acknowledge me as your father but in my heart you will always be there, pardon daddy for doing this. i love you, javier..

before my blog go rusty, haha...

2007-06-26T11:10:00.002+08:00

have not been blogging for quite sometimes and anyway i dun really like blogging. nothing to do then find something to do. baby have went back to them since ending of MAY and till now i have not see him yet, really feel like going up to see him but something is pulling me back. will i ever give up baby??? people who dunno me will feel that i am being heartless by having this thought but things are far more than what most people think of. since baby went back i have been playing like mad, going here and there no matter weekdays or weekend. i simply love my lifestyle now but i know this wont last long, i am just escaping from the reality. why things always dun turn out well for me, am i having retribution for the bad things that i have done last time? how i wish i can turn back time, back to the day when i knew her. before knowing her, i only wanted to ....... but after being together i really fell in love with her. i realy regret, for so many gals why did i fall for her and being together with her for the longest, shit.

the MAC day

2007-05-28T01:10:00.002+08:00

have been eating MAC continuous for 3 days, damn shag man. 1st time ever. have not been blogging because i met with some problems and i need to settle it. actually i create my own problem so cannot blame anyone, i gonna clear this one last time and control what i am doing. really have to think what i want in my future. i get addicted to things that catch my interest very fast and will only quit when i encounter problem, what the f***!!! my life has taken a dramatic change since baby is back and i really felt that i did not perform well as a father. i am not a good father, maybe in many people eyes, i may meet the least criteria as a father but i dun think i have done that well. ok, getting sleepy.. gonna go and rest.

i am vexed up

2007-05-07T01:47:00.000+08:00

jus taken my bath, gg to bed after this. this few days really very unlucky... 1st my bike break down then got to repair for halk a k. headache man.. lost in something.. feel like my mind canot take it anymore, going to break down. dun talk about unhappy thing le.. yesterday ah heng came to visit baby then later we went down to find sharen, play with baby at playground till nearly 5 then came back home.. 8 plus nanny husband came and took baby to his relative house to play with children while i stay at home to watch show. baby came back at 11plus and played till nearly 3am in the room b4 he fall asleep. damn shag, haha.. i am a lousy father, must really improve le.. i need someone who can share my burden.. gg slp le, night everyone

back to camp

2007-05-03T00:37:00.000+08:00

just finish clearing the mess that my son did, toys all around the floor.. yesterday brought him out to sunplaza to eat MAC and after that to playground opposite ah boy house. play for 2 hour plus then went up to his house. feed him porridge and stay there until 8pm before going back to home. baby was asleep on the trip home, so adorable when he slept. put him to bed after reaching home.. drank one can of beer before going to bed. went back to camp in the morning but do nothing except sleeping. slept all the way until fall out and went home. jus a simple day..

happy birthday to my son

2007-05-01T12:37:00.000+08:00

1st may 2007
12.40pm

today is my son birthday, happy birthday to him.(2 year old). for the celebration everything went fine except for the check out time , the staff said that i dirty their carpet for leaving down cig. mark. was damn pissed off by what they said as all did not smoke in the room until late night that was about 1am in the morning(my son went to bed around that time) in the end, got to pay extra for broken lamp shield and the carpet maintenance. anyway i have forget about it already. went out with ay boy after i bring baby over to nanny house. went northpoint for lunch and later to SAFRA to play nine ball.. after which went over to 654 to have dinner before heading back home at 8pm. watch tv and wait for nanny to bring baby back to me as they brought him out to have dinner. after one long day and putting baby to bed, chit-chat with friends on msn before retiring to sleep at 2.30am. that all for now. going out soon... happy labour day to everyone also, off day.. haha..

been a long time since i last blog

2007-04-29T02:47:00.000+08:00

time: 02.50am

yansheng have change the outlook of my blog, thanks man. later in the afternoon will be holding an advance birthday party for my son( 2 year old) at orchid country club. hope that he will have a good memory when he grow up when i show him the photo. update for my life, life have been peacefully living after javier came back to my care although sometimes he really make me very angry but he never fail to cheer me up when i am down. he make a different in my life, nothing else matter. 9 more month to ORD, counting down slowly. i want to carve out a success in my life in the future and i make sure i will work hard for it. been thru so much ups and downs, learnt a lot of things along the way. have and love me for what i am, don wish to change to adapt to other people unless i find someone that i can totally devoted to. the world are too realistic and i am scared of that. may everyone around me be safe and happy. good night to all friends

happy valentine to all couple

2007-02-15T02:04:00.000+08:00

wishing all couple a very happy valentine day.. may all the relationship be everlasting and stand strong along the way.. a lonely day for me but at least get to go out with friends to play number ball, haha.. not that boring.. chinese new year is coming, used to like it when i was young because can get to take ang bao but now got to give out liao, grown up already.. not much plan for this year, dunno whether going out ant, sianzzz.. tomorrow got battlion CNY celebration and going to museum, kind of bo liao but still lan lan suck thumb got to go.. heee... may my day ahead be fruitful. a new and good year for me i suppose.. i have learn not to take thing too hard and know when to let go... anyway not worth it for me to keep on thinking, as long as she can be happy then i will be contented. i cant give her the happiness she want then why not let other people do it, maybe the particular person can do better. i will learn how to treasure my next relationship better and for the time being i must try to earn as much money as possible. with money as back up, i can do alot of wonders. money i will try my best to earn as much as possible, treat it like my wife, haha.. good night everyone, carezz

a tiring day

2007-01-30T23:27:00.000+08:00

dunno why cannot get to sleep yesterday night, so shag when i went back to camp today.. talk to my CSM and again like the previous CSM he agreed to help me so i will see what action he have. have been living aimlessly for quite sometimes so i should start to pick up myself slowly, will not give in to setback. another experience that i need to go thru with my life. in this realistic world, nothing mean more than money. with money i can do alot of things. not going to hold on to something that dun belong to me..

update for this few days..

2007-01-30T01:43:00.000+08:00

never blog for a week, for the past few days never do much just resting at home or chill out with my friends.. on the 27 sat, i went to visit my son but did not get to hug him as i am not feeling well so don wan to spread the germs to him.. he looked fine and i am really glad to see him, the feeling are so wonderful. but after seeing him i am sad.. still considering whether should i go ahead with what i have plan?? kind of difficult but trying my best to come up with a decision fast. tomorrow have to report back to camp, reaaly dun feel like going after so long MC, haha.. chao keng is the word for me people in camp call me. let it be, i dun care. going to have busy time in camp for the rest of the period, keep myself busy so that time will pass faster. shall stop here..

admitted on 21 discharged today

2007-01-22T16:23:00.000+08:00

i was admitted to hospital yesterday for my head injury,was discharged today. so sad living there, haha.. other patients got the whole family to visit them the but i was alone. luckily, my friends came down to visit me during the night time.. sneak out and have dinner with them at newton circus. went back to the ward at aound 1am then toss and turn until dunno what time then i fall asleep. on the 200107, the day we are declared by the law then we will be separated. the feeling was intolerable. went to meet my friends at tanjong pagar for a drink before going down to boat quay to attend xiaoxin birthday, drink until over the limit then barely 4 i was knock out. i did something which i am not supposed to do, i message her. haiz... things finally end and i will start to forget everything once she is attached because that mean she have forget everything and i will not go and think so much. hope it will happen soon so that i will not be so devasted. life go on lonely till fate comes in again..

got to admitted to hospital tomorrow

2007-01-19T15:59:00.000+08:00

went to see doctor today, he asked me to go hospital at once for overall check-up, what happen to me? but i did not go because tomorrow have to sign the thing if i never go then later problem alot. decided to sign the thing then go for check-up, got to stay in hospital, sianz. realy hope nothing serious will happen.. may god bless me.

feeling unwell

2007-01-19T00:23:00.000+08:00

feel like vomitting always since the day i fell and hit my head. dunno what is happening to me? is it because i have been thinking too much, but i don't think i have wonder so much. hope to get better. seeing doctor tomorrow to assess my condition. finally saturday is coming, can be a free man after that day. can do whatever i want, simply love the past of me. carefree and with nothing to worry. receive a very surprise msg from my friend, have not been contacting her since sec 2 and yet she still treat me as her friend. msg me to console about my problem. sometimes the world is really funny, when you think the thing that will not happen will always come so abruptly. interesting part of life. she advice me on what i can do to let the incident erase off from my mind. thanks man. at least i know that by losing her doesn't mean end of the world for me, and i still have my friends to rely on when i am troubled. god bless my friends. night everyone

don't wanna know anymore things from her

2007-01-17T20:11:00.000+08:00

i am not going to view her thing anymore, don't wanna know too much. at least still can keep some good memories about her and not entirely bad memories. ignorance is bliss. luckily, someone is there for me to listen to my problem and share my burden. have been giving me great advice, thanks pal. i am prepared to give up everything if there is no way out for me. don't force me to the wits end. you know what i mean. facing this type of person can only be heartless and no other thing else. also dunno why suddenly i on my comp just to write this.

fall down on 150107

2007-01-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

what an unlucky day i had yesterday, had a fall and hit the back of my head. felt so giddy and seeing blurred vision. fuxing drove me to see doctor at TTSH and was given three days mc. after eating the medicine, feel alot better. sometimes still feel giddy, maybe think too much already.. i have slowly adapt to my life, don't feel so lost and helpless. losing her actually let me realize actually there are more important things for me to treasure. going through this are just part of my life that i need to pass through. starting, i cannot accept the fact but after knowing so much things i feel it's better this way. will act accordingly to what i have plan, i really hope that the final outcome will be what i have expected. now then i realize, i am strong in nature also. 4 more days to sign the separation agreement, last thing for me to endure and once i overcome the pain, i will be a better person. buck up zhiguang, don't let anything defeat you again. i can do it..

don't look down on people

2007-01-11T23:16:00.000+08:00

wanna visit my son today but ended up in a lost. excuses too much and what the f***. money cannot help you win everything, lazy people will not survive long. don't think always people really love with you with their heart, sometimes are just other things. a?? r???? of course can survive, people just love that. luckily, i have already decided to put down if not life ahead will unpredictable.

lonely life with no one to share my problem..

2007-01-10T02:08:00.000+08:00

going to sleep soon, on monday 08012007 i was doing guard duty at camp, so boring and tiring.. after three month never do guard, really shag out. our 2 year anniversary on that day, kind of sad but what to do? are forgetting that difficult, i really wanna erase the sad memory from my heart, i really don want to think of it anymore. i don't deserve this type of suffering. miss my son alot, feel like seeing him. don't talk about this already, today after guard rest i went to see the SAF counsellor and chit-chat for awhile then i went to meet fuxing. after having dinner, play number with them and come back at 1 plus. stay at home will let me think so much but going out must spend money. really cannot afford to go out so often liao.. sure die like that. just wish that everything will pass over soon and i can be the zhiguang i once used to be.

what a day

2007-01-08T01:39:00.000+08:00

jus finish bathing, so tired going to zzZz soon, today went out to help fuxing carry study table to his gf sis house and after that went to wash car with him. quite fun, used towash bike last time but now is car. 2 days also never kena activated back to camp, very lucky. tomorrow guard duty, so shag.. very lonely for the past three weeks, sometimes feel i am turning crazy, haha.. what to do.. everytimes happy also no good because gt sad times then become happy again at least something. life is so tough ahead, will i be able to take it? going to sleep le.. night everyone

a sunny saturday morning

2007-01-06T13:46:00.000+08:00

one last dance, a very boring show i watch last night. the storyline was very boring, just write one name and put inside the red packet then the killer will kill the person and lastly, the killer commit suicide. what a show man. wating to be activated back to camp. will be going out to have lunch soon.. everyday alone will very boring, dunno what can i do to make my life more lively? for the next few days before signing the separation, i will not get to see my son because she don wish to see me so if i go then will be very awkward seeing her. actually after separated for nearly a month, i am getting used to be sleeping alone since the day which i wrote her a letter. think abit then can get to sleep le, not bad. at least don need to take pill like for the 1st two weeks. good for me. i hope 2007 will be a good year for me but yesterday ah boy told me he went for fortune telling and he say those born in the year of rat, 2007 and 2008 will not be a good year and must wait until 2009 before good luck is here. so long sianzz lah. will stop here.

tomorrow mob manning, bored lah

2007-01-05T22:12:00.000+08:00

today went to meet ah boy and have a chat with him and he ask me to drink with him, 1st time ever in my life that i drink beer in the afternoon.. left at 8 plus to go home and watch the 'bai wan bao' last espisode.. quite touching, the story tell us never to give up ourselves even we have come to the lowest of our life, miracle happen if you will to work hard. good show. going out soon to watch movie, 'one last dance'. should be one very intresting and exciting. i have learn to let go of the things that i should not have kept in my heart, everything have a solution and no bad times last forever. go go go, zhiguang. maybe tomorrow will kena activated back to camp, sianzz hope will never happen. ok, good night everyone

letting go isn't bad sometimes

2007-01-03T22:08:00.000+08:00

went back to camp today, so sianzz. holiday mood no more already, have decided to stay put in my camp don wish to post up already. last time wanted to work and support my family but now there is not a need anymore. i will be going thru really low times for the next one year and three months. strongest survive. i don want to be remind of sad things again, i will start another relationship to forget my present sorrow. nothing for me to miss. i hope my next partner will be someone who can understand me inside out. willingly to go thru good and bad times together with me without any complains, maybe this type of girls are extinct but i will work hard before i wanted to start the relationship. always tend to fall in love easily that's why i being lead to this torment. never to mention her again, once go let her go forever. i will be looking forward and never again i will look back. no matter how tough the road ahead, i will do my best to get over it. its time i wake up and plan for my future, have been living in daze for the past 22 years. achieve nothing for myself but bringing alot of troubles to my family. i will treasure the things i had in the future. take care.

she called me..

2007-01-02T17:37:00.000+08:00

after i blog this morning, suddenly she called me at 6 plus, if other time i will off my hp to silent but i dunnno why i did not on. sometimes we can think the same, but yesterday i was sad when i receive her cal because knowing her for so long she seldom drink and she was dead drunk when she called me. i have told her my thinking,there is just simply too much misunderstanding between us and we also don wanna admit defeat. in the end, she told me not to conatct her anymore and she will be changing her contact. i not going to blame her for severing ties with me, i must try to understand her feelings. if by not contacting, she can forget her pain i don mind. fen, you must be strong, as you say time willl heal everything. if you are lucky enough, you can find a better one next time. i really felt sorry for baby. in the afternoon, i went to meet nanny and also visit javier. nanny whole family plus me and javier went to have lunch and later went to game arcade centre, wehn i saw other family playing so happily AS A FAMILY, i feel so sad. life will be tough ahead but i will still move on.

everything will come an to end

2007-01-02T03:30:00.000+08:00

today i finally pluck up my courage to ask her out but she told me that she don wish to meet and will only meet me when the day we sign the separation paper. at least now she will tell me how she feel, this is the first time, i am really glad. although we will be coming to an end but i know she will be happy. at least i tried to salvage it for the last time. i think maybe this is fate that we have to meet and have a baby but we cant stay until eternal. i must learn to let go, loving someone doesn't mean we have to with the person, at least she is happy and i will also feel better. tough to let go but if the relationship were destined to end no one can stop. one last request from her was to go out as a family to zoo and take a family photo, because i have long to bring my son to the zoo. i have been giving myself too much stress, i tend to ponder tons of things in my mind. day by day, i will let go bit by bit till the day i can sleep peacefully without thinking so much. she is strong by nature and i really admired her. she can say let go mean let go this is something which i cant do for all my relationship. i iwll keep myself occupied with things everyday so as not to think so much. fen, you must live in bliss in the future, don ever find someone like my character and the next person must be someone who can provide you with the things you need. here, i sincerely wish you all the best. from today onward, i iwll pick myself up and strive for the better. loving you was never a regret and letting go is to give you the chance to find for your true love. we both shall look forward and never look back. sorry for the problem that i have given you and thanks for the memories you have given me. i will be strong and move on with my life. take care.

mixed feelings

2007-01-01T12:40:00.000+08:00

three days never blog already, here i wish everyone a happy 2007 and a prosperous year ahead. on 28,29 and 30 was with my son, good to be with him. But the more i see him the more my heartache. it used to be a happy family of 3 but haizzz... most of my friends say that i chose the choice but i told them the reason, they seemed to understand my point of view. maybe i am selfish to ask her to give up her friends and to be with me and i know she wun forsake her friends just for me, actually i got nothing against her friends but the more she mixed with them, i got a bad feeling that something will happen. she should know what i mean. yesterday night went to sembawang park to bbq and countdown to 2007 but the happy mood is not there, just dunno why? heard from friends that she is also at bbq in a friend place, should be enjoying. stay there until 2 and my friend send me back. when i reach home, i was thnking of updating my blog but my brother was playing game, got so muct to write yesterday but now everything like went missing already. i hope the year 2007 will be fun, no worry and will go smoothly ahead.

night with my precious son

2006-12-28T23:11:00.000+08:00

today went down to fetch my son over to my house to stay overnight, seeing him make my heart melt. everything went fine today and now he already slping soundly in his dreams. so cute, haha... although i am not living well now but just by seeing him all my sorrows went away. without him, i will be nothing. he's my everything right now and forever, there is nothing for me to miss of except him if i leave the world. i cant bear to give him a broken family but the environment don allow me, some words which are say out cannot be taken back. take care.

24 days to separation

2006-12-28T00:18:00.000+08:00

just reached home, today went down to see the lawyer and have come out of a date to sign the separation paper. on the 20 jan. today meet ah boy and went down together, after that catch up with him. visited my son and he is not feeling well, will be bringing him back tomorrow to stay until saturday. looking forward to tomorrow. i am asking myself why am i so determined in my decision this time, and finally i got the answer because i don wanna to hear her telling me again that being together with me and she have to worry about her three meals. i am not those lazy bum who stay at home and rot, i am always finding work opportunity whenever i can. i am serving the NS now, i also hope i can contribute to the family but this two years is everybody got to go thru. now i am alone fending for myself for the rest of one year and two month, i really dunno how am i going to survive?? i am telling myself i wun get defeated so easily. honestly, i have not been slping well for the past two weeks and i am not trying to act pitiful by writing here, i am a emotional person and this sort of things got to happen is something that i cannot prevent. who dun feel sad. i am only sorry to my son, he is innocent. i wll stop here, keep on writing only make me more vexed up.

i am getting paranoid, why am i behaving like that. something wrong with me??

2006-12-26T22:53:00.001+08:00

i just realize that i have been thinking too much and too imaginative. why am i behaving like that?? i really need one expert to help me on this, i cant be like this forever. i will go crazy one day, please can anyone help me?? after sitting down and thought through, am i really the one who let this relationship down? i hope i will be cured someday and my next girlfriend will not suffer with me because of my this suspicious condition. something must have happen before that i am behaving this way. anyway, tomorrow i will be meeting the lawyer and i am not sure whether we are signing the document tomorrow? i really hope if she saw this blog, she can tell me how is my behaviour all this years? all i know no matter what happen, this is the end. the both of us will not go and salvage this marriage anymore, i personally think this is the better way out but i dunno for her. hope to see the rainbow after the rain.

everything is over...

2006-12-26T13:01:00.000+08:00

26122006, going to see doctor soon.. having chest pain since yesterday.. tomorrow i will go and see the lawyer for the matter on the DEED OF SEPARATION. i hope everything will pass soon and i really wanna forget everything. i don want to being trap by this love relationship again under any circumstances.

what is LOVE?

2006-12-26T12:34:00.000+08:00

喜歡是心動，愛情是偏執

也許愛情是一部憂傷的童話，惟其遙遠與真實，惟其不可觸摸與欠缺，方可成就起璀璨與神聖。放棄一個很愛你的人，並不痛苦，
放棄一個你很愛的人，那才痛苦，
愛上一個不愛你的人，那是更痛苦。
若是有緣，時間、空間都不是距離。
若是無緣，終是相聚也無法會意。
凡事不必太在意，更不需去強求，就讓一切隨緣吧。
逃避，不一定躲得過。
面對，不一定最難過。
孤獨，不一定不快樂。得到，不一定能長久。
失去，不一定不再擁有。
可能因為某個理由而傷心難過，但，你卻能找個理由讓自己快樂。
戀愛無非是要快樂，兩個人不能快樂，不如一個人快樂，兩個人痛苦，不如成全一個人快樂。
愛，是一種感受，即使痛苦也會覺得幸福。
愛，是一種體會，即使心碎也會覺得甜蜜。
愛，是一種經歷，即使破碎也會覺得美。

what kind of person am i facing all this years??

2006-12-26T00:17:00.000+08:00

i have just deleted all my previous blog, think nothing much to talk about. just reach home, this three days have been enjoyable for me. went out to drink on saturday and until drunk and had a hard day on sunday. keep vomitting like nobody business. finally that night i don need to take anything to sleep. sleep peacefully. saw my son today at bugis, hug him and suddenly felt like crying because i just miss him too much. hearing him calling me papa today, the feeling is good and warmth. i hope god bless him with good health. today before i went out to meet my friend i went to friendster web and saw her profile and saw that particular person which she had tattooed his name on her body. i thought they have already break contact but i was wrong. dunno whether is it because of what, that day she suddenly msg me the D thing. i really hope got nothing to do with him if not i am really the loser. anyway, being together i have been the loser not for the 1st time. can anyone teach me what to do? i know i am suspicious but you did so much things to me in the past that there still this shadow. not easy to overcome that shadow, you wun understand. taking out the load is easy but letting it down really takes alot of courage. i know this time round i will be able to let go and seek the happiness that i really need. everything will be fine after the rain.